Friday, December 19, 2014

Something rare.

I haven't written here in ages. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. But for me, a blog isn't so much for other people; it's for the person who creates it. For them to share what they feel, think, believe, or do, out into the world of the web. It is for them to be an inspiration, a form of support, a person who has gone through something another human being has struggled through or to consequently, and rather unknowingly, act as a way of connecting people through experience. There have been many times where i have read a blog, post, or article online and suddenly felt as though it wasn't only me going through something difficult. I would love for one or two paragraphs of this to be that revelation or feeling of connectedness for someone. My life has drastically changed in the last three years and i feel that i want to share my experiences regardless of what they are, so that in some instance where someone stumbles across my words, they can feel familiarity, adventure, confidence, or understanding where they are lacking it in other parts of their life. I hope to be or help or inspire someone or something, by the simple act of recording (seemingly inane) happenings and thoughts of my world. So, nu kör vi.

For the last three years (February 1st is my anniversary date, i believe) i have been living in sweden. I have already had many ups and downs here, met many people, many horses, seen a share of places, and have much left to do. I admit that it has been an adventure and one that i will surely never forget. However, it has in no way been easy. In these last three years, i have had to do more digging to see who i really am, what i really want, who i really care about, and who really cares about me and this has been extremely trying at times.

Starting out in a place when you are small and staying there throughout, more or less, the entirety of your life allows certain advantages when it comes to friendship. No, the person you had slumber parties with every weekend when you were 6 may not be the person whom you call your best friend now in your mid-twenties, but for the most part, the people whom you call friends are ones you have known for years. They are people who know you through and through, and they have been with you through at least a few struggles and celebrations. They are people with which you feel comfortable around, ones that you can laugh with for the sheer enjoyment of laughing, ones that support you and ones who make you feel like you can tell anything to, without judgement, and most importantly: ones who feel like, or are, your family. 

If you are someone who has left this cozy, warm, familiar environment in search of adventure, in an answer to something more gutteral which has called you elsewhere in life, then you know the extreme loneliness that can accompany such an endeavour. You also know the extreme longing to find, and connect with people like this again. Maybe my journey in the past five years has been a bit unique in my own way, but i know that there are others who have experienced exactly what i have, and am, going through.

As we get older, it becomes more apparent how difficult it can be to really and truly connect with a person. Maybe as children we are more forgiving, more willing to overlook the flaws of other people in lieu of being friends. Children are inadvertently and uncompromisingly innocent and therefore have a greater ability to see one's heart, which is a talent well given. Why is this something that disappears with age? Why is it so difficult to forget differences, to forget so called "social-norms" and just sit down with someone we recognise within ourselves and be friends? Is it the fact that as we grow older, our insecurities can sometimes become louder and intimidate us? And if so, why do we run from people who have the ability to inspire, or instil a confidence within ourself instead of gain strength from them? Why must we feel the need to compete rather than to embrace? 

In these past years, I have faced silent, yet ever apparent, judgement from people i thought were close and it has left me feeling as if my friends didn't truly know, or welcome the person i have become. However on the other hand, i have received warm moments, shared laughter, and many welcoming words from people i barely knew which has given me hope on this adventure. I have to say that in life, there are few things intellectually greater than having a best friend; someone that understands you, helps you, inspires you, tells you when you are wrong, laughs at you when you can tolerate it, and celebrates you without judgement is a person that must be treasured. I also have to say, that as you grow older, the ability to weed out this compatible, wonderful person, becomes harder and harder. You start to realise how unique everyone is, and how unique you are and suddenly you can find yourself feeling very alone. These moments are the times when you show yourself how strong you can be, how the ability to love and feel comfort within your self and who you are as a person, is vital. In these moments, you have to love you more than ever and use the weaknesses you discover to learn, and grow as a human being.

This past year or so has been quite a bit of this. The longer i am in sweden, the more the cultural differences begin to make themselves known. They are like the people: reserved, polite, and relatively quiet but abundant and thriving nonetheless. For me, life is about connecting with others and growing from the experiences you share with them, regardless of these experiences being good or bad. So far, i have done just that. The ability to put oneself in another person's shoes is a huge part of having any sort of respectful connection; I wish that people thought of this more often and were more willing to extend their hearts, minds, or arms to others. But, as they say, you can only change yourself and that is why i have to remember, everyday, to try to be the best version of myself i have ever been. Not only for me, but for the people whom i love in my life.

In order for a person to benefit from being here and living in this world, they need to overcome obstacles. I have met many people who have faced far greater challenges than i could have ever imagined and they have inspired me to be a better and stronger person. And for all of the people in my life who have done this, knowingly or unknowingly, i thank you. For now, i am ready for the new struggles with open arms; i am looking forward to getting to know the person i have yet to become.

until next time.....


Monday, January 2, 2012

Not to say i told you so, but...

I told you I would write tomorrow, which is in fact today. Impressive isn’t it? Well let’s see. The one terrible part of falling behind with my posts is that I have so much to catch you up on once I actually sit myself down to write. I should remember this and use it as motivation to be more proactive about writing. Ha, we’ll see if that really happens. Anyways, I said goodbye to California about two weeks ago. Back in October, the opportunity to work in Sweden came up and from there it grew. I now have a job over there and could not be in any more of a daze. To be honest I am scared shitless. Putting it simply of course. But, I think there would be something seriously wrong with me if I weren’t. A person doesn’t move a third of the way around the world and not feel scared. That just would not be normal. Anyways, I am going in about two weeks and the idea of getting ready is overwhelming. I had a dream the other night that I had forgotten things in California and had to go there to pick them up, then ship them to Sweden, but then I also had to go back home to finish packing there, then I woke up. Needless to say, I am stressing a little bit about it. Understandable. But then I had a dream two nights ago that I went to the barn and no one could understand what I was saying. I think my subconscious is trying to say, “get ready”. So, I guess I’ll have to start packing to calm myself down.

I must say that one thing I feel, with every bone in my body, is lucky. If someone had told me, when I was 18, that in three years I’d be moving to Europe and working with horses I would’ve laughed at them and said, “I wish”. For awhile now, I’ve been trying to convince myself that it’s actually happening. But it is harder than you would think. For some reason, something so unknown is difficult for your mind to comprehend. It’s almost as if it pretends it isn’t real. So my mind has needed a lot of convincing. But that is half of the fun of getting ready to go. Every time I remind myself that I’m doing it, I get to say thank you for having the opportunity and the luck. And I would like to think that this job is karma’s way of coming to me through all the hard work and sacrifices I put in over the last year. One thing is for sure, the world works in mysterious ways and I like it.

I wish I could forever remember the moments I love, like how my cat Royce sits himself in front of me, purring, just waiting honestly and patiently for me to scratch his cheeks. I wish I could remember how soft and velvety his snow grey fur is and how warm he is. I wish I could remember how love drunk he looks when I take my hand away for a second. I’d pull out the memory when I’m most homesick. I wish I could forever remember the way my horse nudges against me asking me to pay him attention and the soft spot on the side of his mouth. I wish I could forever remember the way he pokes his head around the crossties when he hears the jingle of the girth coming down the barn aisle, wondering how much longer he has to wait for his next treat. I wish I could forever remember the way he smells, and keep it for days when I miss him the most. Yea, it’d be nice to perfectly remember the things in my life like that. It would make moving one hundred times easier. I just have to remember that there are always going to be new things I don’t even know that I will love just as much. I’m so excited to meet all the people and horses that are yet to be in my life. I’m so excited for my next adventure.

I’m sure I’ll write soon. I’m making it a resolution to write more. Not that I will actually keep it, but I can definitely try.

Until next time….


Sunday, January 1, 2012

Oops, My bad

The amount of time it has been since i last posted is obscene. However, there is something you should know; i've been writing here and there but had technical difficulties with logging onto my account so i could post. After many failed attempts at trying to change my email address and password, i finally figured the system out i am! So let me post a blog i should have back in August:

Ok so it has been a very long time since I wrote last. Yes I apologize now so that you can all forgive me…not that there are a ton of you reading but it’s flattering to assume. Life has been crazy. It’s been a combination of wondering where the hell the time has gone, what happened to me not knowing anything, and continuing to miss my family and friends. The days go by so quickly and at the end of the week I wonder how they all melt together to form one big chunk of time that eagerly turns into a month. Over twelve of these giant, chunks of time have passed and I am blown away.

A year can teach someone so much if they are dedicated, self-sacrificing, and willing to be a sponge that takes in as much as possible. Let’s just say, I’d like to think I’m soaked. Looking back on where I was a year ago is baffling; I knew hardly anything compared to what I know now. It’s amazing to think about all the things I have yet to discover I have to learn. Kind of convoluted I know, but nevertheless, the truth. Riding is such a different experience, dealing with the horses is such a different experience, teaching lessons is such a different experience, my slow-growing confidence with all of it is such a different experience. They are all tremendously great and it makes me wish I could be a fly on the wall and watch myself operate. It feels more natural now, and as if I know at most, half of the answers as opposed to one hundredth of them. Like I said, I’m getting there. I think that the most important thing is that I keep constantly striving to grow. In this discipline, you must always aim to keep improving, growing and building on the steps you have already taken. Luckily, I can apply that to my knowledge as well as my training. I never want to think that where I am, or what I know is good enough. It can always be better and I should always be willing to learn and know more; definitely one of my life goals. Never settle.

I feel as if the question “do you miss home?” has been asked quite a lot recently. My answer is always yes. It’s not so much my actual home that I miss, but the aura and feeling of my city, the friends I have in it, and my amazing family. It’s the ability to drive ten minutes and laugh with my friends. It’s waking up Sunday mornings to hear my family in the kitchen and smell breakfast creeping into my room. It’s driving around the lakes with the windows rolled down on the way to the beach. It’s the biking adventures in the night, with no plans but just knowing that whatever comes up you’ll eventually get there and have fun regardless. I miss those things. I know that being here and away from all that is just temporary but it’s hard nonetheless. It just makes me appreciate all the things I hold dear so much more, and next time I am with my friends or family I’ll make sure to take a second and remember the feeling.

Alright so can I just say, I LOVE ROLLERCOASTERS! I had the pleasure of going to six flags, magic mountain, last Wednesday and….Oh, my, god. Ok, mind you I hadn’t been to a theme park since Valleyfair, senior year, when I braved the drop of the Wild Thing. I have seriously been missing out. The first one we went on was Tatsu, and they took rollercoasters to another level. The seats suspended you horizontally as if you were flying. We made the mistake of not sitting in the front row. However, being whipped around and upside down while laying on your stomach was such an adrenaline rush! After two and a half minutes of screaming the only thing I could think was that I was in love. That was until the end of the day….until I met X2. First things first, I will say I had brief affairs with a wooden rollercoaster, and one standing up, and one plunging into a pool of water to be cooled down on the hot day, but none were as amazing as X2. It was our last ride of the day and let me tell you, the hour-long wait was sooooo worth it. Their claim to fame was that it was the first 5D ride ever. I’ll admit I was a bit skeptical: “Great, so they have music and fire cannons…I guess that’s cool.” Yea little did I know just how freaking great it would be. So we finally made it to the front of the line, and my friend and I picked the very back seats to sit in. Definitely did not regret this decision. Let me explain: in this rollercoaster, you were strapped in facing backwards and also lying on your back for part of the ride, so because we were in the back it seemed like we were the only ones on the ride. So exhilarating. Alright back to the start….so the guy is like “Are you ready for a great ride?” trying to get us pumped up meanwhile I’m thinking “I really hope I don’t throw up dinner” as the coaster left the station. So our music starts playing and it’s some oldie that is light and comforting and then all of a sudden the coaster starts going up the incline and Enter Sandman by Metallica starts playing and it’s the intro where it’s really intense leading up to the to the climax and while this part is playing we are getting higher, and higher, and higher. As we climb, we slowly get above the entire park, and it was the prettiest thing I have seen in awhile. The sun was just setting behind the mountains in front of us so the sky was a purple, pink, orange and the park was a combination of black outlines and lights below us. I took a mental picture. Yea I know, leave it to me to have a moment while listening to enter sandman and about to plummet backwards. So that’s what was next, a fast, insane, free fall to the ground and just as you thought you were going to float backwards forever it ripped us back up and upside down. Apparently I was screaming the whole time. Oh yea and that fire cannon? Pretty sweet! We spun around and sideways… actually for most of the time I had no idea where I was in relation to the earth but at one point I felt this heat on my leg and next thing I know I see fire shooting towards us. It was amazing. The ride was over and I decided that I love adrenaline. And that I love rollercoasters. And that I love Six Flags. I really want to go back soon.

Well, we will see how long it takes me to write again. I would take a bet on it if I were you. Hmmm lets see, maybe a month? No, maybe two? Whatever. It’ll be next time I feel like something cool happened, which might be tomorrow. One never knows.

There you go! I'm writing for tomorrow already. There are too many updates with my adventure not to.

Until tomorrow....


Monday, April 18, 2011


Hey everybody!
So i know that I am becoming worse, and WORSE about writing. I will say it now: I'm sorry. There are many days i find myself sitting in my room at night thinking "i should write" then decide that popping in a movie or reading to fall asleep after a long day of work is a much easier idea. But, tonight is different.

The show season has started...i guess you could say. However, out here there are shows year round because for some odd reason there is never bitter, freezing cold/winds/snow, you get the idea. Anyways, I've gone to three of them now. Raven (showing under the name Double Stuff because of his resemblance to an oreo) has done so well. It's uncanny when i unload him at a show and he is completely content with standing on the side of the trailer and taking it all in. Might i tell you that at home he spooks and snorts at the palms in the outdoor arena, and the chairs in the corner of the covered arena (that's the least of it). Who knows what gets into him once he is in the trailer on his way to a show, but whatever it is, I like it! We have gotten low 70 percents in all four of our tests! I've also shown the pony Tattoo. He is a handful mainly because he is a five year old pony. He definitely knows how to test me. But i love him nonetheless. He is a challenge to ride and has taught me a lot. Last sunday we went to a show without Suzie and he threw a nervous fit in the warm up arena; he was drifting all over the place, bucking when i asked for the canter, bolting around the arena after spooking at the name it, he probably did it. The amount of horses in there with us was just way too much for him. Needless to say, i was very nervous for our test. Luckily, once we got in the show ring he calmed down and i pulled a rabbit out of my ass. Thank god! We got through it and it was a great learning experience. I mostly learned that I need Suzie! (Yes, i'm joking...partly)

So this was the first week with Suzie being back from the UK where she taught clinics. While she was gone, i got to play boss for an entire two weeks. I managed the barn, worked the horses, taught the lessons, coached at a couple shows, and felt exhausted all on my own. Impressive huh? By the second week my routine was all worked out and the days went by fast and well. My days off were spent lounging on the couch barely moving; saving all of my energy i had for the next day when it all started again. I am pretty sure that i'm still catching up on sleep. It was very refreshing to see that i could do it on my own. From what i've heard, everyone was happy with how i did and that was my biggest goal. I wanted to ensure that the horses and clients were happy. This is suzie's business and i didn't want to put any less into it than she does, otherwise what good am i looking after it? I had a lot of fun, but was very relieved to have her back last week!

The weather here has been absolutely gorgeous, with the exception of the 95 degree days...but coming from Minnesota i really have no place to complain. Everything is still green and in bloom (i keep being told that soon it is going to all die and turn brown and crunchy...lovely) and when the breeze comes in the afternoon it smells like flowers and spring blowing all the way here from back home. There are wildflowers planted behind the outside pens and nestled in them, there are poppies: light pink, papery, poppies. They are beyond beautiful. Last nights full moon was also gorgeous. It hung low and lurking in the clouds around seven-thirty. Not to mention it was huge. There are so many nights i walk up to the house from the barn just in time for the sunset. I stand on the hill and watch it sometimes and it is so amazing to see the clouds turn from light orange and yellow to hot pink and deep purple. I like that part of the day quite a bit.

My kittens are no longer kittens, except for in spirit. They are ginormous, fluff balls with big blue and amber eyes. They act like they own the place, and as far as they know, they do. Merlin has become an expert at catching the small gophers straight out of their holes. It's pretty impressive. Royce ultimately steals them and finishes them off. Alison catches them as well but usually just uses them as entertainment and once she's bored, walks away. Typical girl. They are all lovebugs. Everyone is amazed at how friendly they all are. I adore them. Still.

Well that is about all for now. Of course there are always new horses, projects, and experiences but when aren't there. Just happy i FINALLY wrote again. I have to get better at this...

Until next time,


Saturday, February 26, 2011

49 Days...Oops

I told myself, when i decided to write a blog about my time out in California, that i would be responsible with it; writing often was the biggest goal i had because the actual writing part is so easy. Needless to say, i think i'm failing.

In two weeks from tomorrow, i will have been here for six months. That is not shocking to me for some odd reason. I think that's because i've finally settled in and everything feels like home to some extent. Waves of homesickness come and go but they are definitely not as bad as when I first got here. Thank god. I'm recognizing things when we drive places, and i could tell you how to get to the beach or LA (mostly because every single sign out here has an exit for it). The longer i'm here, the stronger my desire is to explore. Hopefully i can soon! Six months goes by faster than i thought...

Trying to explain the things i've learned about riding would be impossible. The things i've been learning are starting to become ingrained in my head every time i get into a saddle. I have this subconscious checklist i go through throughout my entire ride, not only for me but the horse too. How's my position, where are my legs, hands, are my fingers closed, is my right leg too far back? Is the horse on the bit, on the forehand, is he listening to my aids? The list goes on and on and on....It's pretty amazing because i feel like i am in a boot camp. I've started expecting a certain level of work from every horse i ride. I think that's the teamwork aspect; i put in a certain level of effort and the horse should work as hard as i do. The most rewarding thing for me has been seeing and feeling the change in my horse. He is so different and so much easier to ride in comparison to when he first got here. Suzie rode him the other day and that was the first time i got to see him go around. I was so proud; because of the work i've done with him he feels better and looks even more handsome than he did before (if that's possible). I can't wait to see what he's like in another five months. I can't wait to know then, what I still have to learn now.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'm going to do when my apprenticeship is done here. The idea of moving back home is always comforting, but i've been wondering if that's really what i want to do. What i really want is to learn as much as possible, and to become as good of a trainer and rider as i can be. It's good to keep my mind open to anything and everything. Who knows, maybe i'll be shipped over to Germany for a few months! I just know that whatever opportunities have yet to make their way into my life, i won't be afraid to take risks in order t0 have the experiences.

One thing that i've realized is how important it is to have balance in your life. I am living my dream, but now that i've been here for so long it's time to meet some people and actually start having a little bit of a life outside of the barn. I just hope that i can meet people here that are as amazing as my friends from back home!

Well hopefully i'll write sooner than i have been. Until next time.....

Friday, January 7, 2011


Going home is something inexplicable. It is a mix of memories, comfort, and anxiousness. Memories flood into my mind when I make the drive on the highway back to my house and drive around the city. Past adventures play out on the streets that I drive on, and remind me how much I loved growing up here. Comfort leaks from my house, my family, and my friends. I love that we behave as though no time has passed since the last time we were together. An onlooker would have no idea that we have been apart for months. That is one thing I am insanely grateful for; my friends are such an integral part of my life. They support me, make me laugh until I can’t breathe, give me advice from another perspective, and listen when I need an ear. They are all truly amazing people that I have been lucky enough to encounter early on in my life. I miss them everyday, and that makes coming home that much sweeter.

I think the anxiousness I feel when I am home is the worry that I have such little time to cram everyone and everything together. This time I was lucky enough to not have that be an issue, but I felt it at thanksgiving break. I kept worrying that I was missing something or someone. It was unsettling. I never would have guessed that I would feel anxious. The fact that when I am home I have no responsibilities may also be a contributing factor. To go from taking care of a barn all day everyday to being able to lounge for an entire day if I so desire, takes a day or two of adjusting. But I’d like to make it very clear that I am in NO way complaining. I love visiting Minneapolis.

About four days into my visit, I was sitting on the couch and suddenly had this intense desire to ride. If you love horses, you understand what that urge feels like. It’s like this craving to have a really good ride and get something done. I don’t know how to describe it yet. I’ll figure it out.

The day before I left I had an absolutely amazing ride on Suzie’s horse Hobo. It was a beautiful late afternoon; the rain had stopped finally and the sun was peeking through big, puffy clouds. I got on and immediately knew that everything was going to come together. Those are some of my favorite rides. You get on and it just feels one hundred percent right, and your head is in the perfect mindset to accomplish something as a team. Hobo was an absolute dream for me and it was so fulfilling and fun. I was on cloud nine when we were done.

Being back is nice. Coming back reminds me how much I absolutely love this and don’t want to do anything else. This is too much fun. Now it’s time to get into a serious routine because there will be no visits home for a long time. I’m kind of excited to keep learning and growing; so much has already changed so what else is going to? I can’t wait.

I hope everyone had a good holiday season surrounded with the people they love and that matter most. I was lucky enough to. I can't describe how grateful i am for all the people that are in my life. Thanks to all of you for being supportive, making me laugh/smile/happy, and sticking around.

Until next time...

Monday, November 15, 2010


This entry is dedicated solely to my family. They are the most important people in my life and i wouldn't be me without them.

Jackson- you are such a butthead but such a great person at the same time. You know how to push my buttons more than anyone i know. You also know how to make me laugh. You are always finding a way to make the best of a situation; you see opportunities where other people don't and that is amazing. Your quick, witty remarks can either piss me off or make me laugh. You'd probably say they piss me off more often than not, but even when they do i still wonder how you got so clever. I know you probably think it's weird for me to say all this about you but you need to know it. I miss you more than you know and love you so much. Thanks for being my smart-ass little brother. Love you fo eya and eya.

Booth- tall and silent. That's how a lot of people see you. Or maybe just mom...But you are smart, patient, and thoughtful. You have the ability to know when to say the right thing whether it makes other people smile, laugh, or think. You always get a wonderful reaction because no one ever expects it from you. You used to be the mediator between jackson and me but now we can all be together without trying to kill one another. I know that i can talk to you about anything. I am so thankful and lucky to have you as my brother. I love you tons.
To both of you: the times that we have all sat together, just the three of us, have been so much fun. I remember so many times where i would come home from somewhere to find you two in the kitchen and we would all start talking about random things. Or meandering over into your room when i was bored to sit down and talk with you two about school, or how mad mom and dad made us sometimes. I can't wait to see you both next week, and face it, you are going to have to hug me. I love you guys a lot and will always be here for you whether you need me or not.

Nana, you are the best grandmother i could have ever asked for. I have done so many fun things with you and you have passed so much of your wisdom on to me. You are always supportive and encouraging me to do what i love. You are so sweet and kind. I love you more than words can say and always will. Thank you for shaping me into the person i am today. I truly love you.

Mom, you know how i feel about you. You are one of my best friends which is pretty rare for a daughter to be able to say. If you ever need a reminder of how much i love you, read through all of your birthday cards, and mother's day cards because i know they will pass on my love. Thank you for making me, me and teaching me all the things i know. Thank you for making me confident and thoughtful. Thank you for always listening even while you were half asleep in bed. Thank you for giving me advice when i need it, and thank you for pushing me to follow my dreams and chase after what i want. I love you to the moon and back infinity times.

Dad, i love you so much. It's weird the connection a father and a daughter's something truly extraordinary. I know that you are always there for me and want to make sure i never go through things alone. You have taught me to be strong, and witty (some might call me a smart-ass). You showed me that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do in order to get to the things you love. You have taught me how to be steadfast and not care what other people think. Please know that no matter what ever happens, i love you always. I would never have wanted anybody else as a dad but you. I will be your sweetpea forever.

All of you are my world, and i couldn't live without you. No matter what, you will always come first because you are my family.
"What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent, unspeakable memories."

I love you guys.